The first step in building any healthy relationship is to have some positive conversations with another person! This is a no-brainer, however common sense doesn't always track into our everyday actions. This concept is even more important in intergenerational relationships where you may not see eye to eye on things due to different upbringings.
This teaching follows the session, Understanding Intergenerational Relationships.
In that seminar we talked about what it means to be intergenerational, that is you need:
- Several generations in the same community
- And, They get along with each other, will work together to accomplish mutual goals, and they benefit from each other’s company.
We also talked about some of the false assumptions of what intergenerational is.
At the end of the last seminar, I briefly mentioned that there are five characteristics that determine how intergenerational a community is.
And they are:
- Positive Interactions
- Connectedness
- Interdependence
- Accommodation
- Empowerment.
For the next few seminars, we’ll be looking at these five characteristics in more depth.
Starting with Positive Interactions
For a community to be intergenerational, the different generations need to be interacting with each other – you can’t really have relationships if there is no communication!
And to have a healthy community, the interactions should be mostly positive ones.
If the only interaction you are having with someone is negative, you’d probably rather not be interacting with them at all.
Let me give you an example that I think most people could relate to.
While I’m currently an active churchgoing Christian, I was not growing up.
My mom and I went occasionally – she probably went more than I did, as she always had to convince me to go.
And one of the memories I had as a child was that when the church service was going, if I were to make any sound – purposefully or otherwise, there was usually one or two old people who would look in my direction with a scowl on their face, a finger up to their lips – and if they were really upset they would shush me.
Now, that was the only interaction I had with those old people at church – so, do you think I developed a really good friendship with them?
Definitely not!
Being quiet was not the only message they were passing on to me, their body language and disapproving looks told me that they would rather me not attend church.
And surprise, surprise – until we moved to another part of the country, and went to a friendlier church, I didn’t want to go to church.
Let’s compare that to the church I was convinced to go to after we moved elsewhere.
At the door, every time was a greeter by the name of Mr. Daley.
I had never met someone so full of sunshine as him – and he was old!
Like grey hair old when I was a teen.
Whenever I came through the door, Mr. Daley would grab my had and shake it firmly several times, and say:
“Oh welcome to church, it’s so good to see you Joe! How has your week been?”
And he would actually wait to hear what my response was, and then he would empathetically respond in a way that would make me feel as though what I was going through was important.
Mr. Daley wasn’t the only reason I continued to attend church, but looking back I think his positive influence on my life has made a lot of difference.
Positive Interactions is the first step in forming good relationships.
And there are two dimensions that go with it – frequency and depth.
The question I like to ask regarding intergenerational community is,
How often do you talk to people outside your own generation who you are not related to?
How frequently do you talk to kids, youth, young adults, middle agers, and senior adults?
Mr. Daley would be able to say that he talked to every category every single week.
Could we say the same thing?
Again, I want to stress – if you’re related to them, it doesn’t count!
Being an intergenerational community begins with people having positive conversations with people outside of their own generation.
The second dimension is that of depth.
When you do talk to someone older or younger than yourself, do you just talk about the weather – or does it go deeper than that?
Having meals together is a great way to get the ball rolling with positive interactions, and therefore getting to know one another.
Studies have found that people tend to interact the most with people they are most similar to.
Whether we’re talking about age, or cultural background, or skin colour, or religious beliefs, political beliefs, professional background – you name it.
People usually spend time with those they feel are like themselves.
Why do you think that is?
Some of you may have thought about this – but the answer is simple.
Comfort.
It’s far more comfortable talking to someone you think is like yourself, especially because you’re less likely to get into conflict with that person.
We’ll talk a bit more about that in our next seminar.
But seniors are less likely to talk to kids and teens, and vice-versa because of the gap between generations.
I’d like to challenge you to get uncomfortable though – because that’s what it takes to be intergenerational.
The best way to resolve this issue is to develop a culture of intentional interaction through intergenerational times and spaces.
In other words – create some events that work well for different people to mix together.
Planning socials is a great example of this, like having a board games night at church, or in the workspace, have an all-expense paid BBQ or picnic with all the families represented at your company.
The main thing is to get everyone together, mixing and mingling – and intentionally finding ways to talk about life.
Having fun together is the best way to break the ice.
In our next few seminar, we’ll talk about the characteristic of Connectedness, which means having a sense of belonging and unity as a group.
I hope you’ll join us.
I’m Dr. Joe Azzopardi, helping you unite the generations.
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